


Keeping Up With The Greek Gods

by crystalkardashians



Category: Greek and Roman Mythology, Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-26
Updated: 2016-12-26
Packaged: 2018-09-12 08:59:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9065071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crystalkardashians/pseuds/crystalkardashians
Summary: They were the original Kardashians.





	1. Hades Loses His Potatoes

One fine and very fabulous morning in Olympus, all the gods had been rudely dragged out of their quarters and were forced by Hera to attend a very peaceful and professional meeting. 

oh hell nawl

maybe not...

It was an absolute mess, and with that, I mean the room was half filled with fruity pebbles because Demeter just had a rant about cereal as Cerberus chased Hades around (he forgot to bring his favourite rubber bone lol). Meanwhile Ares and Hera were having an argument about whether it would be a good idea to sack more cities which got Hera so mad that a few peacocks suddenly materialized and started chasing everyone while Hestia was busy with setting people's hair on fire.

"AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH I CANT STAND IT ANYMORE!!" Zeus cried out as he fell to the ground clutching his head.

"IM DYINGGGGGGG"

"YASSSSS GURL IM FINALLY FREE!!!" Hera exclaimed and ran out of the room, leaving the other Olympians gaping at one another.

"SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!!"

"But dad" Apollo said, "what's with your head...?"

"He just needs some wine." said Dionysus as he skipped over and tipped a bottle of whisky onto Zeus's face.

"NOT THAT!!" Zeus thundered, "there's a voice in my head going on and on about how everyone is stupid and that the inside of my head is very ugly."

"AHHH, just like that song. I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed, get along with the voices inside of my head." Aphrodite said as she pranced out of the room to google the song's title.

"That song's trash, I hate m&ms!!!" Apollo cried out

"Brother I think it's Eminem..." Artemis scolded, "That voice in dad's head is so on point, you ARE stupid!!!"

Meanwhile that voice heard everything and just decided that she has a new best friend, Artemis.

"SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING!!!" Argh I think the voice is now singing something about single ladies and putting rings on it.

"ALL THE SINGLE HADES, ALL THE SINGLE HADES. IF YOU LIKE IT THAT YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT!!"

"UNCLE!" Apollo exclaimed while elbowing Hades hard.

"I think we should just cut his head open." Hestia mused as she set Hera's skirt on fire, sending the latter screeching like a kettle and running out to poseidon's pool.

"And if he dies, will I be king?" Ares said with flashing eyes. Raising his battleaxe, "Here we gooooo" and slammed it down on his father's head, sending ichor spattering everywhere. 

"AHHHHHHHH EW GROSS AHHHHH!!!" Apollo yelled as he got a faceful of ichor and fainted from fright. But nobody bothered to catch him as they were all to busy staring the the beautiful young woman who now stood in the centre of the room.

"Everyone, this is my daughter, she is well, one of us." Zeus said

"OOOOOOOOH DADDY DADDY CAN WE NAME HER????" the younger gods cried out as they started throwing names about.

"Call her Ella!!!"  
"No! Ariana is better!"  
"Well Cara sounds good."  
"Bitch no, Robyn slays!!"  
"Nonono, call her Stefani, like Gwen Stefani!!"  
"Uhhhh, how about Beyoncé?" Apollo said as he shook his head and struggled to his feet

"EVERYONE PIPE DOWN!! We'll call her Athena. Yes, that's it. No more names, and no Dionysus you can't name your sister 'Zebra'."

Wow Zeus you really like names that start with the letter A huh?

The end

Oh wait, not really

Because Hera soon heard all the noise and marched back to the throne room with her half charred dress.

"HESTIA!!!!! THAT WAS VERSACE, HOW DARE YOU RUIN IT I'M GONNA CHUCK MY  
LOUBOUTINS AT YOU!!" 

Meanwhile, Zeus was scared, very scared. Because the wrath of Hera was way worse than after school detention, explosive diarrhoea and Selena Gomez's live vocals combined. 

HE WAS A DEAD GOD  
oh wait gods don't die but... yeah it was bad

In the midst of trying to rip Hestia's follicles off her scalp, Hera tripped over Artemis's foot and fell onto Athena, knocking her to the ground.

"Oh wait, who are you?" Hera asked. "Ah you must be the new maid we hired, so yes please go deal with the backyard because Demeter flooded it with cocoa puffs again."

And before Athena could say anything, Hera grabbed her by the arm and lead her out of the throne room. Leaving the throne room eerily quiet as the voices of the two women faded away.

Meanwhile, everyone just had one thought in their heads, Zeus was soooo dead.

*a few hours later*

As the gods were sitting down for dinner, the doors were suddenly flung open and a very angry Hera marched in with a worried looking Athena in tow.

"ZEUS!! WHO IS SHE AND WHY DOES SHE CLAIM TO BE A WAR GODDESS AS WELL AS YOUR DAUGHTER??"

"Uhm actually, I'm the goddess of wisdom and battle strategy..."

"Listen up, I'm the one and only god of war here!" Ares yelled "I don't need no little sister here to help me run things!!" Banging his fist on the table, he spilt everyone's drinks and caused Poseidon to drop his trident onto Demeter's foot, which led to a lot of high pitched screaming and soggy cereal everywhere.

"Husband, you are in so much TROUBLE!" Hera yelled as she snatched Hades's plate of mashed potatoes and sent it flying straight at Zeus's face. 

BAM

"Noooooooo, my potatoes!!" *sobs*

Poor Hades.


	2. Hera scares a sheep

Yes, Hera loved weddings, but not because of the free food, she was the goddess of marriage ffs!! Weaving through the crowd of gods, nymphs and other irrelevant people, she dragged Athena away from the punch table by the elbow and whispered in her ear:

"We need to show everyone here that us flawless goddesses are on good terms with each other, so go look for Aphrodite and bring her here, NOW!"

"Uhhhhhhhh... okay?" Athena gulped and set her glass down. "I hate that bitch..."

Muttering under her breath, she squeezed between two sweaty fat nymphs who were trying to twerk and found Aphrodite standing in the corner of the dance floor, snogging some random dude so hard she looked like she was eating cheetos out of his mouth. Suppressing a gag, she grabbed her sister's shoulder.

"Stepmother wants to see us NOW!"

"Nooooooo, what did we do now? Did we accidentally microwave her Versace dress again when we got white girl wasted last night?"

"What? No no no, I wasn't wasted!!"

"Aww theeny, yes you were. You even told Poseidon he had a cute butt."

"WHAT! No! Ugh just come with me. And don't EVER call me theeny again."

"Oh and you kissed...MMMPHHHH!!!"

Slamming her hand over Aphrodite's lips, she pulled her across the dance floor and waved frantically to Hera. Catching sight of them, Hera ran between them, linking her arms through theirs. "Now let's go show the world that we're the perfect family, even better than the Kardashians."

"Omg I love the Kardashians!!" Athena exclaimed

"But..but I prefer Honey Boo Boo..." Aphrodite whined

Suddenly a light fell upon the wedding hall and a golden iPhone 6 fell from the heavens as the iconic vocals of Beyoncé's Halo played in the background. The phone landed on the ground in front of the three goddesses' feet. A deafening silence hung in the air for a moment, and then...

"AW YASSSS THAT PHONE IS MINE."

"NO YOU BITCH ITS MINE."

"YOU BOTH SHUT UP BECAUSE I NEED A NEW PHONE!!"

"It fell onto the floor, I hope the screen cracked." whispered Apollo to Hermes who nodded in agreement and giggled.

The goddesses screeched, screamed and yelled at each other as they made a mad grab for the phone, so much that the crowd around them parted in the fear of being hit in the face my an airborne iPhone, a fist, or maybe just Aphrodite's big hair (it's full of secrets).

"HA I GOT IT!!" Hera yelled

"OH NO YOU DIDNT!!!!" Athena retaliated by throttling Hera, causing the phone to go flying out of her hand and straight onto Zeus's slice of wedding cake.

AW HELL NAWL

And after a lot of yelling, screaming and random thunderbolts being hurled around. A decision was made: the iPhone shall belong to the one who was deemed the fairest.

"So it'll go to someone who's just and fair or someone who's just well pale?" asked Athena

"Look at my face, it's whiter than baby diapers." Aphrodite mused

"Ew gross sister!! UGH"

Raising her arms above her head, Hera glared at the two goddesses and said "they don't call me Hera the white armed for nothing bitches!"

"HA Athena you'll never win this contest. Look at your ugly armour tan lines!" Aphrodite pouted as she rubbed her sister's upper arm.

"ARGHHH DADDY, WHY CANT YOU JUST BE THE JUDGE HERE?" Athena yelled.

"Uhm, what is a judge?" Zeus asked blankly.

"Don't you watch The Voice? The judges are those people who determine the outcome of the competition." she huffed and secretly wondered whether her time spent in Zeus's head had depleted his wisdom.

"Zeusy-woosy, if you don't choose me as the winner, YOU'LL BE FINDING DEMETER'S WIG IN YOUR DINNER!!!"

*gulp* 

"Alright, Hermes and Apollo. Take these three whiny~uhm gorgeous goddesses to the mortal Paris. He will be the judge."

"B-b-but dad! We're binge watching America's Next Top Model. Can't they like Skype Paris and ask him to come over?" Hermes complained.

"JUST GO!!"

A millisecond later, the three goddesses plus Apollo and Hermes found themselves standing in someone's yard. In front of them, lying on a deck chair by a swimming pool was a young man, behind him was a mansion worthy of an A-list celeb or Bill Gates or whatever random rich person.

"Ahem, mortal, you've been honoured with the grand task of judging which of these goddesses is the fairest."

"The name's Paris, and you're ugly, please leave."

"WHAT! HOW DARE YOU INSULT ME THE AWESOME HERMES? APOLLO HERE IS UGLIER!!"

It was a good thing Apollo was busy jamming to Chandelier by Sia on his iPod at that moment or shit might have gotten real.

"Calm yo tits bro." and with that, the smirking young man rose and walked up to where the three goddesses stood.

"Damn girl, you got eyebrows like Cara Delevingne." he said as he ran a finger along Athena's brow, prompting the goddess to smack him with her spear.

"And honey you got a body like JLo, fine as hell!!" he sang as he ran his hands along Hera's shoulders.

"Alright alright, can we just begin already?" Hermes cut through in the fear that someone might decide to murder Paris and send him to Tartarus.

*WAILS*  
"BUT HE DIDN'T CALL ME A PRETTY GIRL YET!!" sobbed Aphrodite. "I'M LEAVING!!!"

"But you're all smokin' hot fine babes. Don't leave honey, can't you all just split that iPhone into three parts?"

"So that it'll be basically useless? Just like your purpose for living?" Athena fumed, fingers dancing dangerously on the point of her spear.

"AHA, instead of judging them on looks which is just so #AntiFeminist and #ratchet." Apollo suddenly said in a very loud voice and eyed Athena. "The one who proves to be the most fabulous bitch here shall receive their rightful prize."

"And how exactly are we gonna compete then?" demanded Hera. "I'm soooooo done with everyone, literally. All I want right now is a pumpkin spice latte." (basic bitch alert)

"You three shall perform to the latest iconic masterpiece!!" he whooped and waved his golden bow around. "Bang Bang feat. Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj and Jessie J!!" However in all the excitement, he had accidentally fired a few arrows into Hermes's butt.

"OOOOWWWWWW" *SOBS*

WHOOPS

*huffs*  
"Alright then. I'll show you lesser goddesses how it's done." Hera clapped and a stage worthy of a super bowl halftime show concert descended. Marching out in a tight dress, paired heels and hair worthy of Mariah Carey, the lights dimmed and...

"She got a body like an hourglass  
But I can give it to you all the time  
She got a booty like a Cadillac  
But I can send you into overdrive", smizing hard at all of Zeus's mistresses as the wind machines billowed her million dollar weave out behind her.

"See, anybody could be bad to you  
You need a good girl to blow your mind."  
twirling around a hunky male backup dancer and shaking dat booty at the crowd. She marched back into the shadows and pulled hard at Aphrodite and Athena's weaves. "Bow down bitches" she whispered and smiled sweetly, sending shudders down their spines.

"Alright, let's go!"

"She might've let you hold her hand in school  
But I'mma show you how to graduate"

"Ahh, of course Athena HAS to sing the only line about school." whispered Apollo to Hermes.

"No, I don't need to hear you talk the talk  
Just come and show me what your momma gave." Athena sang as she sashayed about in a half un-buttoned white shirt and sky high platform heels, waving a prop AK-47 in hand.

"See anybody could be good to you  
You need a bad girl to blow your minddddddd". Ripping her fishnets with her fingernails, she fired her AK47 into the crowd and marched back into the shadows.

"Suck on it Aphro" she pouted and took her place beside Hera.

Walking out into the dazzling stage lights, the crowd fell silent as their eyes fell upon the goddess of love in all her glamour. Gorgeous dark curls, red lips, curves visible under her translucent white dress. She took a deep breath and...

"It's Myx moscato, it's frizz in a bottle  
It's Aphro full throttle, it's oh, oh  
Swimming in The Grotto, we winning in the lotto  
We dipping in the powder blue, four door"

The crowd froze, "OMG Afro-dite can rap!!!!!" someone yelled.

"YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" they roared and begin to chant her name.

"It's me, Hera, and Theeny, if they test me, they sorry  
Ride his uh like a Harley then pull off in his Ferrari"

"She DID NOT just call me that again?" Athena fumed and flung a glass across the room. "She'll find spiders in her bed tonight..."

"If he hanging we banging, phone ranging, he slanging  
It ain't karaoke night but get the mic 'cause I'm singing"

The lights flared as Athena and Hera marched back out and the three goddesses began to sing the chorus together.

"Bang bang into the room,   
I know you want it  
Bang bang all over you,   
I'll let you have it."

Climbing up three poles in the centre of the stage, they performed acrobatic stunts that sent the crowd howling so loudly it woke everyone on Olympus up.

"What is that racket?" demanded Artemis. "It's scaring my animals!"

"Uhh I think there's a strip show or a Beyoncé concert going on down there." said Demeter as she peered out of the balcony. 

"Wait a minute let me take you there  
Wait a minute 'til you   
AHHHHHHHHH HEY!" the goddesses belted as the lights went out and pyrotechnics lit up the darkness. Which was a good thing because Hera fell off her pole and onto a very confused sheep who bleated in fright and leaped straight into the crowd, sending frightened nymphs running in all directions.

"Alright, everyone quiet down!" yelled Hermes into the din. "I SAID SHUT YOUR TRAPS!!!"

The crowd fell silent and stared back at him in anticipation.

"Paris has made his decision and now we'll announce the results of the contest for this golden iPhone." waving the phone in one hand and nudging Paris hard with the other.

"Ahem, uhm, the winner is Afro-afro, uhhhh whatever her name is. The one who rapped, yes. She's the winner and bye everyone, I'm out." Swaggering off the stage, he tossed the mic back to Hermes and punched Apollo hard in the shoulder. "Goodbye fine honeys, I'll see you soon!" he yelled and gave the thumbs up to the three stunned goddesses.

"AWWWWWWWW YESSSSSSSS. I KNEW IT! I WOULD WIN! I'M THE PRETTIEST!!" Aphrodite screeched and snatched the phone out of Hermes's hand before running off into the night and screaming something about her ass being the most beautiful one in all the land.

"C'mon bro, let's go." The next moment, Apollo and his brother had teleported back to Olympus, leaving Hera standing alone in the darkness.

"Uhhhh Athena?" she called out, hoping that the goddess hadn't left yet because Hera hated the dark.

"Get in loser, we're going shopping!" Athena's voice called out as she parked her war chariot in front of the stage.

"I didn't know you even LIKED shopping?"

"Well, with shopping, I actually meant revenge." which made Hera stop and ponder for a moment there.

"We'll convince some famous and beautiful A-lister to run off with Paris, and blame it on Aphrodite. Great plan, dontcha think?"

Climbing into the back of the chariot, Hera laughed. "I didn't know you were such a bitch though."

"So who will it be? Beyoncé? Kim Kardashian? Angelina Jolie?" Athena asked as she checked out her nails in the moonlight.

"Try Kim." replied Hera, actually agreeing with one of the wisdom goddess's plans for the first time.

"And for the record I'm not just any bitch. I'm the #BossBitch." Athena announced with a smile and drove off into the night.


	3. #TeamPoseidon VS #TeamAthena

Forget about all the crazy house parties you've been to, or the time you went to Vegas and woke up in the bathtub with a stiletto in your mouth, because Mount Olympus was the real party house here.

Yes, the gods knew how to party harder than the people in a Ke$ha music video.

One morning, Poseidon woke up hungover as hell, there was someone complaining loudly about the keg being broken. All he wanted right now was to sleep his hangover away, rolling over onto his side, he felt something warm and solid next to him. Putting his arms around it, he cuddled it and tried to fall back asleep but whatever he was cuddling was suddenly moving and releasing a piercing yell at the same time. Opening his eyes, he could make out the form of a woman in the dark next to him.

"POSEIDON!!!!! WHAT DID WE DO????!!!" she yelled and flailed her arms about.

"Ohmygod no no no helpppp me noooo!!!" Lying in bed next to him was Artemis, he was so dead.

"We didn't do anything, I swear on the styx!!!"

"Why am I in your bed then water boy?"

"I don't know. What were you doing in my room then?"

"ARGHHHH IM CALLING DADDY!!!! HE'S GONNA BEAT YOUR ASS!!"

"No no no Arty please don't. I don't want to die, I'm too young to die." Poseidon begged as he frantically scrambled out of bed and tried to look for his shirt, tripping over Dionysus's feet in the process.

"DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP ME!!!!!"

"Oh shit oh shit." Poseidon muttered while peering out of the door, spotting Zeus coming down the hallway and trying to squeeze past a random dude twerking to the latest Nicki Minaj hit.

"What is the matter Artemis?" Zeus called and entered, nearly crashing into Poseidon who was trying to straighten out the bedclothes and kicking the random items of clothing on the floor under the bed.

"Oh daddy, *sobs* I WOKE UP IN POSEIDON'S BED!!!!"

"YOU WHAT????!!!"

"Aw hell nawl..." Poseidon said and threw his hands up in defeat.

After spending the next 30 minutes trying to stop Hera from swinging on the chandeliers, and Demeter from making out with Hecate. Zeus actually did his job as king of the gods for once and managed to get everyone settled in the throne room.

The very turnt and semi hungover gods and goddesses fidgeted in their seats as they watched Zeus glower at them.

"WHY DIDNT ANY OF YOU INVITE ME TO THE PARTY??!" he boomed as thunder shook the walls of the room.

"Uhmmm..."

"WHY?!"

"Uhhhh, Morpheus was the bartender last night and I think he messed your drink up..." Apollo muttered. "You blacked out within minutes."

"Is that so?"

"Yes...." the other Olympians echoed and nodded in the hopes that thunderbolts wouldn't be hurled at their faces.

"Alright, but I'm gonna have to punish all of you for this." Zeus boomed, still trying to sound scary af. "Hera, you're gonna have to watch two seasons of Honey Boo Boo with Demeter. And Hades you're to return all those Britney Spears fragrances you ordered on Amazon last night."

"Brother, I didn't! I don't even like Britney!!!"

"Well uncle Hades, there's a box of them sitting on my desk... " Hermes said.

"Ugh fine! They were for my son Nico!"

"Aaaaaand for you dear Poseidon", Zeus said with a sideways smirk. "You and Athena are to watch The Fault in our Stars together without killing each other."

"NO! ZEUS YOU CANT DO THIS!!" Poseidon yelled and waved his hands about.

"BUT DAD! I DIDNT DO ANYTHING?" Athena protested.

"Oh yes you did, Ares says you lost your virginity to a nymph in the backseat of my car."

"The nymph also says you have great tits and that you should be called boob-thena instead." Ares yelled across the room as he thumped the butt of his spear against the floor.

"WHAAAT!!! I...I... KILL THAT FAT ASS NOW!!!" Athena yelled and lunged for Ares who was now rolling on the ground and laughing hard.

"CUT THAT OUT YOU RATCHETS!!" Zeus thundered and hurled thunderbolts at the two war gods who were in the midst of throttling each other. "Ares you're gonna mop the whole of Mount Olympus after this, no buts."

"What... That ain't fair aw hell nawl!!"

"Zeus!! What about Artemis? She was in my room too!" Poseidon yelled and leaped in front of Zeus. "Ain't she gonna get any punishment for this?"

"Sorry uncle, but I'm innocent." Artemis replied and blew a kiss at Poseidon. "Enjoy your movie date!"

"Look brother, your kids are all shitty af! You're literally a walking advertisement for vasectomies!!!" Poseidon yelled in defeat, and also kinda hoping he wouldn't be fried by a bolt of lightning.

"He's right, you know." Hera drunkenly announced as she tried to stand up. "If this meeting is over, I'm going to bed." Spinning unsteadily on her heels, she proceeded to trip over several of her squawking peacocks and stomp over the train of Aphrodite's new party gown. Which of course, let to a whole lot of yelling we will not talk about because it's exhausting.

The movie date turned out to be fun actually. But it mostly involved Poseidon flooding the room with his tears and Athena trying to eat pizza and clamber on several pieces of furniture at the same time to avoid the knee deep flood.

"Ugh Poseidon, they're both cancer patients, they're both gonna die! D-I-E." Athena huffed in annoyance.

"But Hazel and Gus.... they're perfect! They can't die!" *LOUD SOBBING*

Tossing her shoes off, Athena huffed and said, "You know what Possy. Fuck what Zeus said. Let's watch something else."

"Don't call me Possy! I'll call you theeny."

"Oh no you don't! Don't you even try." Hopping onto the table by the DVD rack with two slices of pizza clenched between her teeth, Athena rifled through the pile and pulled out several DVDs. "Hmm, there's Sex and the City, Mean Girls, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, V for Vendetta..."

"NO NO, NONE OF THOSE! THIS MOVIE IS SO PERFECTLY HEARTBREAKING." Poseidon cried out and buried his face in one of the couch cushions.

"Ugh stop crying ffs! I ain't got time to wash your salty tears out of my hair." Crunching loudly on pizza crust, Athena laughed and pulled out something from the back of the shelf."

"AHA, you can't say no to American Horror Story, can you?"

"American... horror story?" Poseidon asked and slowly slipped the pillow off his face.

"YESSSSSS?" Athena asked with a laugh. "I'll let you have some pizza too."

"Aw hell nawl gurl there's olives on the pizza, they taste like your gym clothes."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT MY GYM CLOTHES TASTE LIKE?!"

"Uhm, Apollo and I once... well..."

Running her hands through her hair, Athena yelled "HAVE YOU BEEN IN MY ROOM?" sighing loudly in frustration, she stomped her feet on the flimsy tabletop.

"NO NO NO, OF COURSE NOT!!" Turning around to face the corner she was standing in, Poseidon's eyes widened as the legs of the table gave way and the surprised goddess slid off and fell onto the ground with a loud splash.

"UGH POSEIDONNNNNNN!!!!" she fumed and frantically tried wringing the edges of her clothes dry. "We're gonna watch American Horror Story or shit's going down!"

"What's this about American Horror Story?" Zeus asked as he opened the door and stuck his head into the room. Taking in the scene before him: Athena soaking wet with pizza crumbs in her hair, Poseidon looking like he's been doing drugs for a month and soggy pizza slices floating about.

"Didn't I tell you both not to kill each other?" Zeus asked, looking back and forth between Athena and Poseidon. "In fact, I was planning to give you both patronship over a city because Mt Olympus hasn't fallen over in an earthquake yet but now you're gonna have to fight each other for it."

"BUT DAD! You told us to get along, and now you want us to fight?" Athena asked with arms outstretched. "That ain't even wise but fine! Bye Poseidon, may the baddest bitch win." Flipping her hair dramatically, she squeezed past Zeus and marched off, leaving a speechless Poseidon behind to deal with Zeus.

"Uhhh I think I'll get going bro.." Poseidon meekly replied and hurried off down the hallway, trying not slip on the flood of water that was pouring out of the room.

About an hour later, the two gods plus Hermes were assembled on a sunny hilltop before dozens and dozens of mortals. Who were obviously forced to attend this competition between two shade throwing olympians with no chill.

Raising his loudhailer which malfunctioned all the time and occasionally played Rihanna songs, Hermes began explaining what this competition was about in a horrible monotone voice that even Poseidon got so bored he began wondering how he could win all these people over. Maybe #PoseidonIsBae would be a good trending topic for a start.

Nudging Poseidon hard, Hermes muttered "It's your turn uncle, stop daydreaming!"

"Alright great mortals of.... uhhh this nameless city. Today I bring a gift." Slamming the butt of his trident against the ground, "Now check your iPhones, iPods or iTunes libraries. You'll see that a free single and the music video of Dark Horse by Katy Perry has been transferred to your device." Raising his arms in the air, he yelled "Make #PoseidonIsBae trend on Twitter mortals!"

There was an sudden awkward moment as everyone in the crowd checked their iphones and the Android users screamed for justice.

"Great lord of the oceans, I'm heartily sorry to bring this up." a young man near the front announced and bowed. "We are absolutely in love with your gift but there's only one slight error..."

"Error? What error?" Poseidon asked in a panic, he already could see Athena smirking and probably coming up with some shady ass remark.

"You see great earthshaker, there are no horses in the music video. Just a lot of bad dancing and strippers in tennis shoes."

"Well... fine, here's a horse.." Raising his left arm, Poseidon conjured a rush of waves that broke against the shore with a deafening boom. However, the oceans did not recede, but instead galloped onto the land on four strong brown legs. He had conjured the world's first horse.

"Here, a horse. It's a dark one too. I hope you guys like it..." he worriedly announced to the crowd. They oooed and ahhhed for a few moments before a deafening roar was heard, with a few individuals holding up signs that said #PoseidonIsBae.

"Alright, calm down everyone. His gift may have wowed all of you but mine will blo-o-o-o-ow your minds." Athena told the crowd as she paced a few steps closer to them.

Kneeling down and stroking the earth with her fingertips, she stood back and watched as a green sapling burst forth from the ground and grew towards the light. Within a few moments, it had grown into a majestic olive tree. Reaching up and plucking a single olive, she held it up in the strong sunlight. "This is an olive, it can be eaten, and the oil can be used for lighting lamps, perfumes, medicines, and a lot of other stuff I'm not gonna go into because it'll take me all day. You can make pizza, with it. Or eat it by the bucketload at Nandos."

Dropping the olive into the palm of an elderly lady in the crowd, she continued on "the tree can be used as firewood and literally thousands of other uses. It'll also be the inspiration for lots of shitty tattoos but whatever. We all know my gift is waaaay more fabulous than Mr. Salty-tears's back there." she gestured with some sassy side eye. "So tweet #AthenaIsFabulous for free pizza!!" Conjuring a large pizza out of thin air, she began handing out slices to some children.

"YASSSS YOU'RE OUR GODDESS!!" somebody in the crowd yelled and others began to join in. Drowning out Poseidon's supporters with their voices.

"I guess we have our winner Possy. Want some pizza? Oops, I forgot that you think olives taste like my armpits."

"WHAT?" Poseidon yelled in anger, "With that little fruit that looks like a grape. You're totally ripping Dionysus off!"

"Now now people", Hermes came up and shoved himself between the bickering pair. "The city still needs a name you know."

"Call it #PoseidonIsBae!!"

"Excuse me bitch, I won so I get to name it." Slamming her hand into Poseidon's chest. "I'll name it Athens, after my fabulous name. I hope you guys like it." she called out. Smiling as they roared in approval, she high fived Hermes so hard that he stumbled. "I guess we know who's the baddest bitch now huh Possy?"

"Ugh please Hermes, can you take me back to Olympus now?" Poseidon begged.

"Chill bruh, fine, fine." Hermes said as he and Poseidon vanished, leaving Athena to probably start an Italian food party with the mortals.

Arriving back on Olympus which was still flooded and in a state of utter chaos, Poseidon sighed in relief and trudged back to his quarters. Maybe he could finally sleep without finding drunken huntresses in his bed. Entering his darkened and messy bedroom, he threw back his covers and was immediately attacked by one of Hera's peacocks who was hiding in the blankets.

"OH HELL NAWL IM SO DONE WITH THIS FAMILY!!"


	4. Ares Tries to Bake

Remember the last time you didn't want to show up at a party or at an event so badly that you'd have rather gone on a date with your math teacher. But well you HAD to show up anyway or else someone would force you to make out very passionately with an alpaca.

And well while Zeus might be head guy of the gods, this kinda shit happens a lot to him, so let's put aside all of the hatred you might have for him because he blew out the electricity with a storm while you were binge watching RuPaul's Drag Race or the time when he turned someone into a bull (it was Hera really).

Basically after the massive shitstorm that was the Trojan war, the gods had agreed to meet up once a month and discuss about their problems. And if you're wondering why they even bother to do this when everyone clearly hates everyone, just bear in mind that we're here talking about a religion that has two gods of war and one god of sleep. So naturally they don't make very good life choices.

 

And if Zeus doesn't show up for these family drama sessions, Hera's probably gonna force him into making out with a camel with some serious gingivitis.

 

 

 

*cue shitstorm*

 

 

"DAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDD!!! Are you even listening???"

"Yes, yes Apollo please go on..." Zeus replied, silently wishing that he had stayed single 4eva and worn a chastity belt.

"Well the other day, Heracles stole some stuff from my Oracle at Delphi!! And I had to get Artemis and Athena to help chase him!!" Apollo yelled and gestured to his sisters who nodded fervently.

"THAT FAT OAF EVEN CALLED ME HELMET HAIR!!!" Athena yelled and pointed at Artemis, "MEANWHILE ARTY HERE HAS UGLIER HAIR!!"

"Oh hell nawl don't even think about going there sista!!" Artemis screeched and magically made her sister's spear disappear into thin air.

"WHAAATTT!! How am I supposed to threaten people without my spear?" she yelled and burst into a fit of tears and hair pulling.

"Deal with it, bitch. You ain't scary without your spear." Artemis scoffed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"Everyone SHUT UP" Zeus yelled as thunder shook the building and made all of Hera's peacocks start squawking loudly. "If you don't learn to deal with one another, I'll make you guys wear a get along t-shirt!!!"

 

"OH HELL NAWL DAD!"

 

But thankfully the very tense moment was interrupted as Ares kicked the double doors open and marched in, pulling a wheelie cart piled with food and other wonderful goodies.

 

AND EVERYONE'S JAWS DROP

 

 

LIKE THE SILENCE THAT GOES ON FOR THE NEXT FEW SECONDS IS SO REAL THAT APOLLO COULDN'T DEAL AND FELL OVER.

 

"BWAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

"ARES IS THAT REALLY YOU?"

"THE GOD OF WAR BROUGHT FOOD FOR US OMG WHAT NEXT??!!"

'THE WORLD IS ENDING BITCHES!!!"

 

"Calm down bros, I brought these goodies here to make up for accidentally killing your heroes."

 

"NO, you killed Jason??" Hera exclaimed, taken aback.

"And Odysseus??!" Athena asked loudly

 

And then the two goddesses just start bawling and hugging each other in the middle of the room and the sight of it is so insane that everyone just worriedly takes a step back.

"Bruh I hope Heracles is dead tho." Apollo said and nudged Ares.

"Well he ain't 'pollo but I've got you some nice cookies. And Poseidon, I've got blue pancakes for you. Everyone else can have the burnt cupcakes."

Because Ares definitely can't cook. Like if he went on Hell's Kitchen, Gordon Ramsay would throw a fit.

 

"Alright everyone, our good guy Ares has been nice enough to make us food so let's...be nice." Zeus sighed and tried to smile at Ares but literally nobody can smile when looking at Ares because he pisses everyone off.

 

And as Ares exits the room, taking the wheelie cart with him, all of the goddesses + Zeus start lobbing burnt cakes at Poseidon and Apollo because they always get the good stuff. Seriously.

 

Chuckling to himself, Ares walks back to the kitchen and finds Dionysus just standing there by the refrigerator, knee deep in beer cans and juice bottles.

 

"Ayy bro, you're making pot brownies and space cakes?" Dionysus asked.

"Wait, HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT MY PLAN TO TAKE OVER OLYMPUS?!" Ares boomed, taken aback in shock.

"You're not exactly the most secretive person here." Dionysus chuckled. "It's just like that time when you tried to steal Athena's socks at 3am in the morning and woke everyone up with the noise you were making."

"Well you won't be laughing once I'm king, Mr. D." Ares grumbled. "I'll make everyone so high that they'll have no idea what's going on." *cue evil villain laugh*

 

And at that moment, a loud screech was heard down the hallway as footsteps came pattering up to the kitchen.

"ARESSSS!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY HERB GARDEN??!!" Demeter yelled and huffed a little, spilling cornflakes from the box she was holding.

"Oh hell nawl all I did was pluck some weed from your garden don't get your cereal boxes in a twist!!" Ares replied in frustration.

"WELL YOU HARVESTED THE WRONG HERBS, THAT ON THE TABLE OVER THERE ISN'T WEED!!" Demeter hollered at the top of her voice.

"OMG gorl so you really do grow marijuana in your garden?" Dionysus giggled.

 

 

The gods really have no chill.

 

 

 

Let's go back to the meeting room...

 

"ZEUS!! You really need to do something about the new hotdog stand!!" Hera yelled and stomped around.

"Why? Hotdogs are lovely!! Aren't they?" Zeus asked in confusion.

"The guy who sells them puts onions in them!!" Artemis and Hera replied in unison.

"But you know, he's kinda hot...and I like onions." Aphrodite mused.

"Well, I can't..." Zeus continued but was cut off in the middle of his sentence as everyone suddenly stopped what they were doing and just stared at him. It's like that scene in a horror movie when someone gets possessed and then they just stare at people before their heads start spinning on their shoulders and projectile vomiting starts happening or something.

 

Like Zeus was actually ready for that sort of shit to happen, but it didn't. Instead, all Hades broke loose, and with that I did not mean Hades broke in and started singing California Gurls. I actually mean that all hell broke loose but the ancient Greeks did not really have the concept of hell yet.

And there you have Aphrodite prancing around in pink crocs and a potato sack while Artemis started singing opera and Poseidon and Athena decided to become bffs and make cute friendship bracelets for each other. And while all that ruckus goes down and Zeus tries to get everyone's attention by yelling and promising free candy, Hera sneaks up to him and presses a button on the back of his chair which unleashes ropes that tie him up.

"YAASSSSSS!! THIS IS A REVOLUTION!!!" Hera yells and everybody cheers loudly while tossing Apollo around.

"ANARCHY!!!!" Athena yelled and raised her hand to high five Artemis.

"DOWN WITH THE CAPITOL!!!", but then Artemis proceeded to miss the high five and smack her sister in the face instead.

Facepalming, Zeus sighed, "I knew I shouldn't have let you all watch The Hunger Games!!"

So everybody just proceeds to march their tied up king down the hall to his quarters while singing that hey-ho song the Seven Dwarfs sing in Snow White. And people, this is why your mom told you to stay away from drugs. And after (forcing) asking Poseidon very nicely to lock up all of Zeus' thunderbolts in Hades, the very stoned gods decide to hold their very first post-revolution Olympus meeting.

 

And like every other time they held a meeting, shit went down.

 

 

"I WANT A TURTLE TO BE PLACED ON OUR NEW FLAG!!" demanded Poseidon loudly.

"But... I want PENGUINS on the flag!!!" Hera whined loudly and stomped her foot.

"Hold up", Apollo said. "Can we put an alpaca on the flag?"

"NO! Llamas are waaaaaaay more fab!!" Artemis cried out.

"You guys know that they're basically the same animals right?" Athena asked, which prompted the twins to start screaming and throwing stuff at her + everybody who happened to be in the way, knocking Poseidon out in the process because someone threw an angry peacock at him by accident.

Meanwhile in his room, Zeus is yelling so loudly that he manages to activate Siri on his iPhone.

"Siri, CALL HERA!!!"

"I'm sorry, who?" Siri replied.

"CALL HE-RAA" Zeus yelled across the room to his phone, but Siri calls Hades instead because it's Siri and Siri's too sassy to be tamed.

 

"Oh hell nawl" *facepalms*

 

"Hey Zeus, whats up?" Hades says.

'Hades, HELP MEEE!!!"

 

"Look Zeus, I can't hear you right now, I'm at the Mrs. Carter World Tour!!" Hades yelled back over the din. Because Beyoncé concerts are always noisy, and Hades secretly loves pop divas (shhh... don't tell Persephone).

'Well Hades, OLYMPUS HAS BEEN TAKEN OVER!"

"OMG you guys bought Chinese takeout? IM COMING!!!" Hades singsongs and then appears one moment later in front of the tied up Zeus.

"Wait, where's the food? Didn't you say that there was takeout here?" Hades asked in confusion.

"Hades, I said I'm tied up and the others have taken over Olympus. I wasn't talking about Chinese takeout!!" Zeus replied, feeling very annoyed.

"Omg, so can I be the new king?" Hades asked. "YAASSSSSSS DARLING YAAASSSSSSS!!" he yelled and pranced about. And at that moment, Demeter bursts through the doors, dragging Ares and Dionysus with her.

"I'm NOT giving you both any marijuana!!!" she hollered in their faces.

"WHAT?" Zeus asked and narrowed his eyes, "We have weed here?"

"Well HE'S DRUGGED EVERYBODY with space cakes!!! And is planning to take over Olympus now!!"

"So... you gave everybody else edible weed, AND DIDN'T GIVE ME ANY???" Zeus boomed. "OH HELL NAWL ARES HOW COULD YOU??"

"But well, he gave them magical herbs instead of weed so they're probably all gonna die soon..." Dionysus mused to himself and took a swig of orange Fanta.

"WHAT, THEY'RE GONNA DIE?"

But before Zeus could beg anybody to untie him, Demeter starts hitting people with a rolling pin that appeared out of nowhere and everybody just gets the hell out of there, leaving Hades behind.

"Please Hades, untie me so I can kill everyone!!"

"Only if you promise to learn the Single Ladies choreography and perform with me for the dead souls in Hades."

"DEAL"

So Hades unties Zeus and they have a nice and very touching brotherly moment before Zeus busts out of the room and goes running off, leaving Hades behind like the good bro he is.

And he just finds everybody having a rave in the next room, complete with lightsticks stuck in Aphrodite's big hair and Apollo trying to crowd surf but failing miserably.

"WHAAAT is going on here?" Zeus yells over the din of Athena and Hera's ongoing rap battle.

"We're having a party, welcome to Olympus's own Coachella!!" Artemis screamed in delight and stuck a flower crown in Zeus' hair.

"When did you turn into Persephone?" Zeus asks worriedly and shakes her shoulders. "Aren't you guys gonna start your revolution??"

"Well, this IS our revolution!!" Hera yells across the room and proceeds to start dancing to Booty by JLo (she forced Athena into doing Iggy's part).

"Well, I like your revolution..." Zeus said with a bright smile. "HELL YEAH, I DON'T EVEN WANNA BE KING!!"

"OMG REALLY?" Poseidon whooped and threw his arm around Zeus. "SO CAN I BE KING?"

"Welll." Zeus whispers as he snaps his fingers and Hera is immediately chained to the ceiling. "NO!!"

"Look dad, I know you read 50 shades of grey but that is no way to party." Apollo protested, pointing to the now struggling and screaming Hera.

"And as for you dear 'pollo, you and water boy here are gonna have a blast while helping to build the walls of Troy!!"

"OMG NO ZEUS!!" Poseidon screeched, "I can't do brickwork! I just got my nails done!!"

"And uhhh I just got my eyebrows done." Apollo said, "Don't wanna ruin them you know. They're so #OnFleek."

 

But before Zeus could continue, several loud screams were heard as Ares came running into the room with Demeter after him and trying to smack him with her rolling pin. The two basically chased each other around for a few minutes in Tom and Jerry style while everybody else tried to get out of the way. But because Demeter is basically your insanely crazy aunt, everyone ended up with a black eye, or several boo boos.

After all that chaos and bumps to the head with a baking instrument, Zeus forgot to issue punishments for Athena and Artemis, and that's why everyone hates them.

But what was Ares' punishment for this massive shitstorm? Well basically homeboy here had to unclog all of the bathrooms because the stoned-on-magic-herb gods tried to flush bananas down the toilet, and also give Hades free pedicures because Hades is too sassy for shit and he doesn't care what you think of him.

 

But the real moral of the story here is: don't mess with the big man, even if he happens to get everyone he ever went on a date with murdered by Hera.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Please don't try this at home, the possession, sale, transport and cultivation of cannabis may or may not be legal depending on where you live.
> 
>  
> 
> So it's not my fault if you get arrested, bitch.


	5. Poseidon is a Horrible Wingman

So you've probably heard of tinder, some of you have might have even been on it. No? Well how about OkCupid? Grindr, or Wingma'am? Yeah, they're the holy saviors of our love lives. But what if you were a god? Like you couldn't just create a profile that says you're 3000 years old because everyone would just think that you're one of THOSE creeps. And that's the kind of problem our dear Olympians face, so don't judge them for having weird love lives ok? OKAY????? Good.

And that's why Mt Olympus has Eros hanging around, you know just sitting around looking like Theo James and maybe also handing out some really bad love advice occasionally. Like that one time when he told Zeus to give Hera some twerking parrots that sang Taylor Swift songs non-stop, yeah that ended well of course. But after several millennia of basically being the love guru, there's only so much a guy can take. So Eros huffs and gets up, swooping his lovely bangs to the side and starts striding to the throne room, possibly causing some random nymphs and satyrs to walk into walls.

"Surprise bitch, I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me."

"OMG go away cupid baby, can't you see that we're busy?" Zeus yelled back, gesturing to Poseidon and Apollo who were sitting next to him.

"I'M NOT A BABY!!!!" Eros yells and flings his glittery feather boas around, "I'm as old as you guys and I'm here to tell you that I'm quitting!! Goodbye!!!"

"NO WAIT, YOU CAN'T!!" Apollo cries out, "My bae won't talk to me now and I need your help!!"

Eros turns around and glares at Apollo before saying, "Fine, Poseidon will take over my job while I'm gone, see you in 2000 years!!"

"Why Poseidon??? Why not me???" Zeus yells.

"That's easy, I'm everybody's bae." Poseidon replied and high fived Eros.

Handing a tablet over to Poseidon, Eros then proceeded to tell him that it contained a very very very long list of people who needed help with their love lives. And at that point Poseidon just felt like he couldn't deal with it anymore.

"Don't worry Possy, we'll help you, right Zeus? Apollo said and nudged Zeus hard.

"Yes, yes yes." Zeus muttered, "Uhm so who's first on the list?"

"Uhh some guy called Heee-fes-tus?"

"What?"

"Erm I think its Hephaestus..."

"OH HELL NAWL HE'S THE GUY I TOSSED OFF MT OLYMPUS!!!!" Zeus shrieks and starts panicking.

"Wait, didn't Hera toss him off?" Apollo asked.

"Well yes, Hera and I tossed him off together. Because he's ugly af." Zeus said nervously.

"Well I think he looks a lot like Ares..." Poseidon mused.

"ARE YOU CALLING ME UGLY?" Ares suddenly yelled from the hallway.

"YES!!! BYE UGLY!!!!" the three gods yell together and magically teleport themselves off Mt Olympus before Ares could get in and throw a hissy fit (and probably start crying idk).

 

"Well it says the Hephaestus guy lives around here." Apollo says as he and Poseidon read Hephaestus' description from Eros' tablet.

"There it is!" Poseidon whoops and points at a house down the street. "It's the one with 'Hera is ugly'" written across the porch roof."

"WHAAAAT!!!!" Zeus thunders and starts running towards the house. Kicking the door open, "Where is that little shit?"

"Uhhhhhh... who are you?" Hephaestus asks as he puts his xbox controller down and stares at Zeus who's huffing and looking kinda pissed.

"Hephaestus, I am your father."

"Calm down bro you ain't no Darth Vader." Poseidon walks in and tries to get Zeus to chill. "Look Heffy, can I call you that? Yeah, it says here that you've a date at 6pm tonight."

"Uh huh..." Heffy says (A/N: I'll call him Heffy too because typing and spelling 'Hephaestus' out is hurting both my fingers and my brain)

"Well what are you waiting for? Look at this dump?" Apollo yells and gestures around to the messy kitchen and random piles of stuff around.

"No wait, don't touch my forge!!! NO PUT THAT DOWN ZEUS!!!" Heffy yells as Apollo and Zeus start kicking stuff under the couch and attempting to carry the load of dirty dishes in the kitchen sink out of the back door.

"Heffy, you need some new clothes." Poseidon announces as he starts going through closets and drawers. "Aha, an Armani suit, put it on now!!"

"That suit is uncomfortable so no, I'm just going to put that shirt on..." Heffy says as he gestures to a plaid shirt.

"YAAASSSSS WERK THAT HIPSTER LOOK!!!" Apollo yells.

"No Apollo, we aren't in LA or New York so it's Armani all the way!!" and then Poseidon just channels some Nigel from The Devil Wears Prada and kinda forces Hephaestus into the suit.

"But the place looks even worse now!!!" Zeus yells as he steps back into the house after tossing dirty pots and pans into the yard.

"OH HELL NAWL" Apollo yells and starts kicking more of the mess into another room.

"Ok calm down everybody." Poseidon says and clears his throat. "We're gonna have to take matters into our own hands." Walking over to Apollo, he claps his hands onto his shoulders and announces loudly, "Apollo, you'll be the butler for tonight."

"But normal people don't even have butlers anyore!!" Apollo exclaims.

"No buts 'pollo. And Zeus, we're in need of some décor around here." Reaching into a nearby costume trunk, Poseidon pulls a pink rainbow unicorn suit out and hands it to Zeus. "You can stand in that corner and pretend to be a unicorn wax figure!!!"

"WHAT! WHY ME? WHO MADE YOU IN CHARGE?" Zeus screamed.

"EROS CHOSE ME BITCH!! SO I'M IN CHARGE!!!"

"OK BUT TO MAKE THING FAIR, YOU HAVE TO PUT ON THAT IRON MAN SUIT!" Zeus replied unhappily while pointing into the costume trunk.

"WHY ISN'T THERE AN AQUAMAN SUIT???" Poseidon yells angrily.

"Ehhh can I be Captain America instead of being a butler?" Apollo asked meekly while fidgeting in his butler suit.

"NO!" Poseidon and Zeus yelled in unison.

 

So after a lot of ruckus and yelling from Poseidon as he attempted to put on the iron man suit without falling over and getting stuck in something, the three gods attempted to teach Hephaestus some pickup lines. But let's be honest, these three gods have like the worst ideas EVER!!!

"First Heffy, you've to sensually turn around, perk your butt up and yell 'DON'T YOU KNOW MY ASS IS FAMOUS?'" Apollo said as he attempted to do a very poor demonstration of it.

"Nononono Apollo that's not how you do it." Zeus said as he stepped forward. "Heffy, you gotta walk up to her and say 'Babe I'm the lightning and the thunder.'"

And meanwhile Poseidon was busy putting up a sign in the road across from Hephaestus' house that read "Hot dudes and free pizza here →" and while he was busy admiring his work and mentally congratulating himself for being the smoothest person in history, he spotted a figure in the distance walking towards the house.

"ABORT MISSION ABORT MISSION! There's someone coming!!!" he cried out as he burst in while Apollo was teaching Heffy how to werk it on the dance floor.

"AHHHHHHH IT'S MY DATE SHE'S HEREEE!!!" Heffy yelled as everyone scrambled to look out of the door.

"PLACES EVERYBODY!!!!" Zeus yelled as he ran into the corner and tried his best to look like a legit unicorn.

Then the door rattled and opened, and a girl walked in.

"Ahhh my love..." Hephaestus started saying but was cut off by what was some terrible yelling

"APOLLO WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU ALL DAY WHAT IS THIS MESS?????!!!!!" Because obviously, the person who walked in wasn't Heffy's date, it was really just Artemis.

"NO PLEASE SIS I'M TRYING TO HELP HEFFY HERE HAVE A GOOD DATE!!!!" Apollo cried out and backed away from his sister.

"Well I saw the sign that said 'hot dudes' and guessed that you were probably in here auditioning to become a magic mike stripper so..." Artemis replied. "BUT COME WITH ME ANYWAY BECAUSE WE HAVE AN ARCHERY COMPETITION TOMORROW!!!!"

"NONONONO I WANNA BE A BUTLER TONIGHT!!!!! YOU CAN HELP US THOUGH, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE SAY YES!!!!" Apollo yelled and begged.

"I guess I could though. But hey Hephaestus, nice to meet you!" Artemis called out.

"ABORT MISSION, THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE COMING!!!!" Poseidon yelled after peering out of the window.

"PLACES EVERYBODY!!"

"Wait, what do I do?" Artemis asked.

"Well hmm, you could put that mop on your head and pretend to be Nicki Minaj." Apollo said as he pointed to the broom closet.

"I'M GONNA GO GREET MY DATE AT THE DOOR!!" Heffy yelled and ran towards the door.

"NO!"

'NO!! NO HEFFY!!"

"WE'RE RUINED!!!!"

But it was too late anyway because the door opened like a second later and Heffy immediately dragged someone in by their arm.

"Uhh sir, I'd like a pepperoni pizza to go please, with extra olives." Athena said.

"Pizza? What pizza?" a confused Hephaestus asked.

"WAIT WHAT? YOU AND ATHENA ARE ON A DATE?" unicorn-Zeus asked as he pointed a rainbow coloured hoof at Hephaestus. "GET OVER HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT!!" he yelled and tried to run towards the door but tripped over his unicorn costume.

"LOOK POSEIDON I TOLD YOU THAT HOT DUDES AND PIZZA SIGN WAS A BAD IDEA!!!" Apollo yelled.

"I love you, beautiful mademoiselle." Hephaestus crooned as he pulled Athena into an embrace. "I will draw you like one of my French girls."

"W-w-w-what I'm not even French!!! I also don't like French fries!!!" Athena sputtered and started flailing around.

"Don't worry, I promise to draw you well, I've watched Titanic like 500 times." Heffy replied.

"Also..." Artemis piped up. "ATHENA WHY ARE YOU WEARING MY CLOTHES??" she yelled.

"WHAT? WE BOUGHT THIS SAME SHIRT AT OUR RECENT FOREVER 21 SHOPPING TRIP, CAN YOU NOT???" Athena yelled back.

"Dude, you girls bought a graphic tee that says 'Being a virgin never bothered me anyway?" Apollo asked before bursting into a fit of laughter.

"But please mademoiselle, tell me you love me." Heffy pleaded, pulling Athena into a tighter embrace.

"What? I came here for pizza!!!" she replied in confusion.

"BUT POSEIDON, YOU TOLD ME SHE LOVED ME!!!" Hephaestus yelled in Poseidon's direction.

"OMG Possy I'm gonna whoop your ass!!" Athena screamed and came charging for Poseidon, who couldn't really see or run well with his iron man suit so he basically ran into unicorn-Zeus and they both fell into a heap.

And then the doorbell rings...

Like whoever is outside this time is actually polite enough to ring it instead of barging in (Artemis and Athena better take some notes).

So Apollo opens the door because he's the butler and he sees Aphrodite standing outside.

"Oh please, you better not be here for pizza or Channing Tatum." Apollo huffs

"Actually, I'm here for a date..." Aphrodite replies.

"My love... is finally here?" Hephaestus pipes up.

"Hello Hephaestus, erm..." she goes and the stops abruptly as she surveys the mess. I mean there you have confused butler Apollo and Nicki Minaj who somehow kinda looks like Artemis gaping at her, while Athena's screaming and chasing a very clumsy iron man around. And in the midst of it all there's a pink rainbow unicorn who sounds a lot like Zeus hollering at them to stop.

"My love, don't worry about them, they'll be fine." Hephaestus says as he takes Aphrodite by the arm and guides her away from the ongoing shitstorm and out of the house.

And like the biggest cliché bomb I've ever dropped, these two fall very hard for each other and they go off to have a very nice date.

So there you go, Aphrodite isn't always a bitch, you know.

Also, it was a good thing Hera never saw the sign and showed up, I can't imagine what would happen if she did.


	6. Hera is Done With Everyone

Olympus is a beautiful place, like so beautiful that Kim Kardashian's Calabasas mansion looks like utter trash when compared to it. And beautiful places are often filled with beautiful furniture and other stuff. Because obviously, the gods don't go shopping at IKEA, you'll find out why later.

And just like every single one of my tragic stories, this one begins with a nice sunny Mediterranean day which will undoubtedly go to trash because the gods never fail to mess shit up. Basically, today's story begins with the Olympians just chilling in the throne room because they don't got nothing better to do with their time. So while Demeter is handing out weed cereal to everyone and the gods are watching Aphrodite try to wrestle Athena, someone comes up the door and knocks on it so hard that it sounded like they threw an elephant at the door.

"We should call PETA..." Artemis mutters and walks across the room, throwing the doors open and yells as she is nearly bowled over by a humongous parcel.

"OHMYGOD it really is an elephant!!!" Poseidon yells, "WE HAVE A PET ELEPHANT EVERYONE!!! WOOHOO!!!!"

"NO SHUT UP IT'S NOT AN ELEPHANT!!!" a voice yelled from behind the parcel as it quivered and someone proceeded to pick it up and walk through the doors.

"Ah Hermes, good to see you." Zeus says as he looks up from browsing Tinder on his phone, "I just found a few hot people not far from where we are, we're heading out to the bar later. Who wants in?"

"OOOOOOOOH ME ME ME!!!!" Apollo singsongs and hops over, grabbing Zeus' phone right out of his hand. "Show me some photos!!!!" He yells and starts scrolling through it with Hermes.

"UGH CAN WE JUST OPEN THAT DAMN PARCEL ALREADY?" Artemis scowls as she snatches the phone out of her brother's hand. "WAIT HOLD UP, WHY IS PERSEPHONE ON TINDER?????"

"I don't know her." Zeus mutters quietly.

"WAIT WHAAAAAT" Hades yells and stops trying to unwrap the parcel, he rushes over and snatches the phone out of Artemis' hands which results in Zeus coming over to try snatch it back and shit goes down once again with everyone fighting over an iPhone. But yeah trust me when I say this kind of thing happens so often the gods should just get paid for it.

"WHATS GOING ON?!" a voice rings out and the tussle immediately stops as all heads in the room turn towards Hera as she walks into the room to the sound of angels singing and peacocks squawking.

"Errrr, we were just fighting because Apollo here said I was an unfaithful little shit and I was just like 'aw hell nawl bruh I'm very faithful'." Zeus stammered as he gestured towards Apollo who squeaked in fright and started making neck slashing gestures to Zeus.

"Uh huh really?" Hera says as she walks across towards the parcel. "What is this? A new statue for me?"

"Well if it's a statue then it's obviously for me." Athena announced as she marched up towards the parcel.

"Yeah because all of your statues look like shit." Ares chuckled

"Yo Ares. I'm really happy for you, I'm going to let you finish, but Athena had one of the best statues of all time. And it's the one down in the Parthenon." Artemis declared as she stood up and fixed her hair.

"WHAAAAT AW HELL NAWL!!!" Ares yelled and started looking around for his battle axe. "Arty, you can't just pull a Kanye West on me!!"

"Oh my gawd people can you all just chill." Dionysus yelled from his laptop in the corner, "I'm trying to watch Project Runway here, please be considerate bitches."

"Fine, let's just open the parcel." Athena sighed and began tearing a small hole in the packaging.

"AW HELL NAWL!!!" Hera yelled and shoved Athena aside. "I'm queen, so I get to open it!" and everyone collectively groaned.

So yeah, you should be expecting that their problems all end here but because the gods are a bunch of jealous bitches with no chill, they don't. In fact I'm petitioning for Jay-Z to do a Mount Olympus special edition remix of 99 problems.

And now you're probably really curious about what's in that parcel, so let's find out. But damn I just hope it isn't a legit elephant.

"OMG IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THRONE!!!!" Poseidon yells as Hera pulls the last of the wrapping paper off it. "YASSSSS I HOPE IT IS FOR ME!!!!"

"SHUT UP POSSY! I'm king here so it is OBVIOUSLY for me!!" Zeus yells.

"Hold up, there's a TV screen in the side." Aphrodite says as she turns it on and stops to ponder for a moment. "What sort of shit throne is this huh? It's got a TV but not a built in iPad?"

 

And there the TV flickers to life and the image of someone with their face hidden behind a Guy Fawkes mask appears.

"Hello, let's play a game."

"AHHHHHHHHHHH ITS JIGSAW!!!!!!!!" Hermes yells and promptly leaps into Hades arms. "I DON'T WANNA DIE!!!!!"

"Oh trust me I don't want you to die either, because I'll be stuck with you in the underworld for all eternity." Hades replied.

"Did he just say that he's gonna play a drinking game?" Dionysus asked from the corner with wide eyes.

"No it's not a drinking game." Guy Fawkes mask guy replies. "Whoever here who feels worthy of being the owner of this throne. Please, come forward to claim it."

"Well his voice sounds vaguely familiar." Poseidon says to Zeus right before the both of them are trampled by a stampede of gods rushing towards the throne.

"IT'S MINE!!!!"

"NO MINE!!!!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH MINE NOOOOO!!!"

"STOP PULLING ON MY DRESS AGHHHHH!"

And behold, we have Artemis pinning Aphrodite onto the floor while the latter is holding onto Hermes' foot and Demeter trying to drown Athena in cornflakes while she yells and clings onto the skirt of Hera's dress.

And somehow in all that mayhem, Apollo falls onto Hera and pushes her onto the seat of the throne. And that's how she wins the game of thrones (ha!).

"Back off bitches, it's all mine." She gleefully announces seconds before metal cuffs emerge and bind her wrists, ankles and waist to the throne.

Everything and everyone is silent there for a moment before a piercing shriek fills the air.

"AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"LET ME GO AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"OHMYGOD Hera can you shut up?" the Guy Fawkes mask dude goes. "You have just won the game, congrats and goodbye." And the TV screen goes blank.

"So are we just gonna leave her here?" Apollo ask.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLL YESSSSSSS!!!!" Zeus screams and dances around with Poseidon. "I'll be off on a date, see y'all later!!!!"

"WAIT!!!" Hera yells and struggles. "I swear Zeus I will pummel your ass!!! And no Aphrodite don't go into my room!!!!!!"

But no one gave a shit, so basically Olympus became a free for all (in Zeus' case mainly) for about two weeks before anyone even realized that Hera's throne was blocking the goddamn door so no one could enter or leave. And that was shitty to say the least.

"Hey Zeus, we've got a problem." Hades said and scratched his brow.

"Yeah what is it?"

"Well the door's blocked and Persephone is threatening to boil my ass if I don't go back to the Underworld by tomorrow."

"Uh huh, so....?" Zeus replied while scrolling through okcupid.

'WELL THE DOOR'S BLOCKED AND SHIT'S GOING DOWN!!!!"

"OMG Hades is this why none of my dates showed up here?" Zeus asked in shock. "NOOOOOOOO I'LL BE A BACHELOR FOREVER!!!!"

"WHAT EVEN ZEUS? YOU'RE MARRIED TO ME??????!!!!" Hera yelled back from the throne room.

"OHMYGOD HADES WE NEED TO HAVE A MEETING?" Zeus yelled and jumped up.

"Ooooooh but our meetings never end well ya know." Hades chuckled.

But said meeting still happened because Zeus didn't want to be single forever. So there everyone was in the throne room moments later, trying to ignore Hera's screams from the corner.

"Zeus! What is this meeting about again?" Dionysus demanded. "I was just about to go on a date with my grindr boyfriend!!!"

"Oh shut up vodka boy, nobody wants to hear about your love life, it's shittier than Apollo and Athena's combined." Hermes retorts.

"MY LOVE LIFE ISN'T SHIT!!!!" came the collective shouts of Athena and Apollo.

"Oh yes it is, one of you kills everyone you ever go on a date with while the other is just purely tragic." Ares yells while trying to stifle his laughter.

Meanwhile, Zeus was wondering why all of his children are such dumb dipshits. But hey the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

"CAN Y'ALL NOT??????" Zeus yells in frustration and gestures at Apollo and Athena. "I'll get Aphrodite to sign you both up for The Bachelor and The Bachelorette later but we have problems at hand we need to deal with?????" he yelled while gesturing towards Hera, who was still yelling. Like seriously, Hera should just go on The Voice, she would leave the judges in tears with that voice that could probably convince Mariah Carey to quit her music career.

 

"Hmmmm maybe we should just turn that TV on again...?" Athena quipped and Artemis immediately darted over to the throne and pressed the TV's power button, bringing the dark screen to life.

"Seriously? It took you guys this long to figure this out?" Guy Fawkes asked in resignation.

"Nah bro, it only took us two weeks." Ares replied

"YOU KEPT ME WAITING FOR TWO WEEKS!!!!!!!" he yelled and facepalmed. "Ok, do you guys want your precious Hera back or not?"

"Errrr..... No...?" Zeus meekly said

"ZEUS I'M GOING TO CHOP YOUR ASS WHEN I GET OUT OF THIS SAD EXCUSE OF A DENTIST'S CHAIR!!!!!!!!" Hera screamed in rage, which made everyone flinch.

"Oh ok, how do we get her out?" Poseidon asked with his hands still clapped over his ears.

"Oh, that's easy." Guy Fawkes replied smugly. "All you have to do is impress me."

"Uhhhhhh..... Oh oh Athena!!! Go on and impress him with your knowledge!!!" Artemis yelled and shoved her to the front of the room.

"Uhhhh, the sky is blue?" Athena said nervously.

"Well you obviously are TERRIBLE at your job!!" Guy Fawkers yelled. "Try harder!!"

"Well....." Athena mused while panicking slightly and trying to think up of something. "Aha!! This throne was bought from IKEA and Artemis' favourite my little pony character is Pinkie Pie!!"

"OH NOT THAT KIND OF KNOWLEDGE!!!!!" Artemis yelled while trying to push a laughing Apollo out of her way.

"Well, yes this throne was indeed bought from IKEA.... Aaaaaand you still suck at your job." Guy Fawkes replied and clapped his hands sarcastically.

"Oh that was easy, there's an instruction manual stuck on the back of the throne and it has IKEA written on it." Athena replied with a smile.

"WHAT? NO NO NO DON'T LOOK AT THE MANUAL!!!!!" Guy Fawkes yelled and jumped as though he was trying to come through the TV.

"Too late bitch!" she laughed and retrieved the manual before tossing it over to Apollo and Artemis.

"It says here that to disable the cuffs, we need to declare our undying love to whoever is sitting in the throne..." Apollo read out loud as silence fell within the throne room.

"Oh it also says that we need to march around the throne room and sing the 'Hephaestus is ***Flawless' song. Oh and also give Hera a lapdance." Artemis continued.

"WHAT NO NO NO LAPDANCES!!!!!" Hera yelled and flailed her arms.

"Ok chill sis I was kidding about the lapdance." Artemis chuckled.

"Wait, isn't Hephaestus the guy you went on a date with?" Poseidon asked and turned to a wide eyed Aphrodite.

"Well yes..." she mused, deep in thought. "Oh Heffy, tell me it's you!" she yells and points at the TV.

"Well fine! It is I, the flawless Hephaestus. Oh and Hera still sucks." Guy Fawkes says as he removes his mask and revealing his identity.

"Oh hell nawl!!! I threw you off Mount Olympus years ago, what do you think are you doing with this throne bullshit?!" Hera fumed with rage.

"You threw me off because you thought that I was ugly. But I'm sorry to inform you that I just won Cycle 19 of Greece's Next Top Model. Oh and you also probably need to get your eyes checked, like get glasses or something?" Hephaestus announced with pride and chuckled at his own joke.

"What are you all waiting for? Get on with singing my song and showing Hera how much you love her!!!"

"Why don't you go first Zeus...?" Poseidon piped up and nudged Hades to back him up.

"Uhhh okay. Hera, I want you to know that I love you like a love song baby. I, I love you like a love song baby!" Zeus sang.

"OH HELL NAWL ZEUS STOP THAT TERRIBLE NOISE!!!!" Hera yelled and squeezed her eyes shut.

So that shit went on for half an hour with each Olympian taking their turn and at the end of it, the gods were just left staring at a very pale, scared and visibly shaking Hera.

"Uhhh Poseidon, maybe you shouldn't have had that twerk-off with Artemis." Athena commented with one eyebrow raised.

"Well, we just wanted to show our love for Hera with some good dance moves!!" Artemis yelled.

"And at least we can twerk, because I'm pretty sure you broke a bookshelf the last time you tried." Poseidon said and laughed loudly.

"OH THIS IS GOLD!!!" Apollo squealed and clapped Poseidon on the back.

"WAIT SO DO YOU GUYS STILL WANT HERA OUT OR NOT?" Hephaestus asked. "I'm done with your useless bickering!!!"

 

"Uhhh.... Yes?" everyone replied with a pointed glance at Zeus.

"Fine I'll give you guys a discount. You don't have to sing the Hephaestus is ***Flawless song because your earlier performances just gave me a terrible headache."

"OMG YASSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!" Apollo yelled and high fived everyone.

"Well, she's all yours." Hephaestus announced while pulling an unseen lever somewhere that released the metal cuffs.

Taking a few unsteady steps forward while trying to straighten out her messy hair and crumpled dress, Hera walked up to Zeus and put her arms around his neck. "So you do really love me?" she asked, her usually hard gaze softening.

"Yes.... Yes I do love you." He replied, this time actually not seeming uncertain.

"Hearing these words coming from you fills me with joy, you know that?" she replies, to the surprise of everyone else in the room, who were all awkwardly watching the scene unfold before them.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

And right when everybody was expecting them to start making out or something, Hera laughs and shoves Zeus, straight into the throne. And the cuffs immediately bind him down.

"Whaaa..?"

"Enjoy your stay in that chair Zeus!!" Hera sang and flipped her hair. "Meanwhile I'll be off to take a hot shower. Goodbye bitches!"

**Author's Note:**

> Cross posted from wattpad (https://www.wattpad.com/94809861-keeping-up-with-the-greek-gods-hades-loses-his)


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